ill live to see another Dawn

the work routine did little to stop the bleeding...
sad, desperate and lonely with no one but her able to fix this...

im trying to find out why in the last 5 years ive become a caricature of myself...
ive worn a mask that shows the best of me, terrified of revealing whats real...

he cant drink hard liquor, it makes him crazy...

Now that ive ruined everything with honesty its time for reflection i guess, the times that were up were indeed up, and the hole that im in now is more real then anything ive known. The bottom of this place is easy to see from where im standing, i can only go so far until im trapped between the past at the bottom and sky that could be my future. all this shit that surrounds me is pulling me in both directions, the easy thing would be to climb out dust myself off and put the mask back on... ive been happy with the mask, ive been happy with keeping my childhood in a ball at the bottom of my stomach... drink hard and that ball had no where to go but up and out, fill that stomach with butterflies and it gladly sat in the darkness slowly healing...

Is it now that i move on and refuse to let my past define who i become or do i confront it and let it spin me into the ground?

the answer seems obvious but has left me confused about what matters most in someones short existence... i would hate to die knowing that i lived the life i lived because of someones bad decisions...

she says i need to fix the problem or it'll continue to eat away at everything that ill ever care about, maybe shes right... Or maybe she's wrong, maybe working on what im left with rather then starting over is a less damaging path...

these things are only important to me here on paper or whatever the fuck you call this box.

i dont appreciate all your offerings of helping hands...
i hate that you dont have anything better to worry about, i guess this is more interesting...
these problems are mine, the things ive done in the last 20 years contributed 100% to the finished product that is me...

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
-Jimmy Dean

a big thank you to the "dawn" tractor tailor that just drove by, Jesus?

bored to death

i think my wifes been having an affair on the side, shes been suppressing the smile for weeks, i want you to find out whats going on

Home is where the heart is

so where does that leave me? My refrigerator clicks off and i realize how loud that clock is ticking, i wonder if video game engineers ever imagined that their ideas would be used for so much more then entertainment.
ive used them for so much more then entertainment, its an escape from the shit show thats going on around me. I used it at the townhouse, at jons, at the apartment and now here at 101. i poke these social domino's until the first can no longer stand on edge and dont stick around for the good part...
I do enjoy the competition and i am competitive when im not distracted but the reason that start-up sound is comforting is not because going into battle is relaxing...

the only real person

"i fell apart in your arms for the last time,
and i felt free to do what i want, because of the things you told me.
because of the things you told me, you told me,
i felt free."
-circa survive, i felt free

i couldnt have said it better myself my man.

why do people in your life early on try to hide all the negative things that are obviously going on around us?

why do we teach our children that sugar coating a problem is the fastest way to forget about one?

we could all use some guidance, but is building a bridge out of lies so we dont get our feet wet the best way to teach a kid that the water is dangerous?

im having a difficult time dealing with the reality of life once again.

we trudge along on our parental predetermined paths knowing exactly where the road runs out, and whats most likely going to be along the way. Are middle aged people that are truly happy, happy because they've accomplished more along that road then they had envisioned?

did everything go as planned?

it seemed like once everything was settled and everything went as planned for me that i decided to destroy it, bored maybe?

huge anchors hanging from my ribcage is the best way to describe the way i feel...
when i was with you today you cut the strings and gave me wings.
i left my heart in a parking lot tonight, things have changed for me again.

whoever said "its better to have love and lost then never have loved at all" can go fuck themselves.

where am i?

how has the last 10 years of consistent failure on all fronts led to me needing a woman to feel complete? i'm just an empty shell of what everyone used to want me to be, now i just sit here wondering what more can i do... Still hung up on obvious bad decision in my love life i'm finding it impossible to relate to anyone of the opposite sex. I'm so quick to call out flaws or label someone as "damaged" so i can stop the bad relationship train before it leaves the station, not realizing that i'm the most damaged of them all.
I realized a long time ago that people are just worried about what you think of them and i used this shortcut to get what i wanted since then. Now that the dust of our teenage years has settled im left walking around in a nightmare, all the fears that kept me with her for so long come to life. its so easy to call or text those people who make you feel at home rather then deal with the issues head on alone.
an overwhelming feeling of need comes to me now as i try to deal with the daily grind and late payments, the easy way has always been to find the next girl, go on a hunt until i have what i need. My honesty is keeping me from faking it and finding the next girl has proven dangerous. im not regretful of the last 10 years i just wish i would have done some things differently...

reading a few articles after randomly seeing a special on the Finnish education system i started thinking,  if Finland's teachers come from the top 10% of their population (best and brightest) and the United States is getting their teachers from the bottom 25% what does that say about where we will be in 30 years...



NY Times article on Finlands educators




what does it say about a society that treats school like a part time job?

how on earth are the best and brightest here even in the same ballpark as those in finland?

i shovel dirt for the same starting salary of a teacher in NJ, is that what our future is worth?

is the United States the party guy of the globe?

Will other countries solve our problems with their huge brains in exchange for protection?

wtf is wrong with us?