the only real person

"i fell apart in your arms for the last time,
and i felt free to do what i want, because of the things you told me.
because of the things you told me, you told me,
i felt free."
-circa survive, i felt free

i couldnt have said it better myself my man.

why do people in your life early on try to hide all the negative things that are obviously going on around us?

why do we teach our children that sugar coating a problem is the fastest way to forget about one?

we could all use some guidance, but is building a bridge out of lies so we dont get our feet wet the best way to teach a kid that the water is dangerous?

im having a difficult time dealing with the reality of life once again.

we trudge along on our parental predetermined paths knowing exactly where the road runs out, and whats most likely going to be along the way. Are middle aged people that are truly happy, happy because they've accomplished more along that road then they had envisioned?

did everything go as planned?

it seemed like once everything was settled and everything went as planned for me that i decided to destroy it, bored maybe?

huge anchors hanging from my ribcage is the best way to describe the way i feel...
when i was with you today you cut the strings and gave me wings.
i left my heart in a parking lot tonight, things have changed for me again.

whoever said "its better to have love and lost then never have loved at all" can go fuck themselves.

where am i?

how has the last 10 years of consistent failure on all fronts led to me needing a woman to feel complete? i'm just an empty shell of what everyone used to want me to be, now i just sit here wondering what more can i do... Still hung up on obvious bad decision in my love life i'm finding it impossible to relate to anyone of the opposite sex. I'm so quick to call out flaws or label someone as "damaged" so i can stop the bad relationship train before it leaves the station, not realizing that i'm the most damaged of them all.
I realized a long time ago that people are just worried about what you think of them and i used this shortcut to get what i wanted since then. Now that the dust of our teenage years has settled im left walking around in a nightmare, all the fears that kept me with her for so long come to life. its so easy to call or text those people who make you feel at home rather then deal with the issues head on alone.
an overwhelming feeling of need comes to me now as i try to deal with the daily grind and late payments, the easy way has always been to find the next girl, go on a hunt until i have what i need. My honesty is keeping me from faking it and finding the next girl has proven dangerous. im not regretful of the last 10 years i just wish i would have done some things differently...