the work routine did little to stop the bleeding...
sad, desperate and lonely with no one but her able to fix this...
im trying to find out why in the last 5 years ive become a caricature of myself...
ive worn a mask that shows the best of me, terrified of revealing whats real...
he cant drink hard liquor, it makes him crazy...
Now that ive ruined everything with honesty its time for reflection i guess, the times that were up were indeed up, and the hole that im in now is more real then anything ive known. The bottom of this place is easy to see from where im standing, i can only go so far until im trapped between the past at the bottom and sky that could be my future. all this shit that surrounds me is pulling me in both directions, the easy thing would be to climb out dust myself off and put the mask back on... ive been happy with the mask, ive been happy with keeping my childhood in a ball at the bottom of my stomach... drink hard and that ball had no where to go but up and out, fill that stomach with butterflies and it gladly sat in the darkness slowly healing...
Is it now that i move on and refuse to let my past define who i become or do i confront it and let it spin me into the ground?
the answer seems obvious but has left me confused about what matters most in someones short existence... i would hate to die knowing that i lived the life i lived because of someones bad decisions...
she says i need to fix the problem or it'll continue to eat away at everything that ill ever care about, maybe shes right... Or maybe she's wrong, maybe working on what im left with rather then starting over is a less damaging path...
these things are only important to me here on paper or whatever the fuck you call this box.
i dont appreciate all your offerings of helping hands...
i hate that you dont have anything better to worry about, i guess this is more interesting...
these problems are mine, the things ive done in the last 20 years contributed 100% to the finished product that is me...
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
-Jimmy Dean
a big thank you to the "dawn" tractor tailor that just drove by, Jesus?
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